Rape

Yeah, so, serious time.

I know, this blog is usually just depressing, hilarious, fluff.

But my brain has been noodling on a completely different problem recently, mostly because of a blog I found and have been reading.

And a TON of the blog is about feminism, rape, abuse, laws, the lives of women in this society. I've only read maybe 5 posts, but they are so much longer, much more complicated and thought provoking than ANYTHING I've ever written... It takes time. I can't just gobble the whole thing up because I can't function with that level of thought in my head all the time.

I'm not even sure I will be able to communicate ANY of what I'm thinking successfully, mostly because knowing what I think is full of flux.

I have never, knowingly, made or laughed at a rape joke.

I have watched porn and laughed at it. I have watched 'amateur' porn and loved it.
I have tried to watch porn and been sickened by what was considered acceptable and 'hot', and I'm not talking the prissy 'oh god BDSM ewwww', I'm talking that I was physically sickened by what these people were doing.

You can see the shame/sadness/sickness in some of their faces. How does one ignore that?

How do people exist in this world and NOT feel the pain of others? Am I just ridiculously sensitive or compassionate or something? (I'm pretty fucking sure I'm not.)

I have never been raped. I have gone along with sexual things because I didn't want to know what would happen if I just flat out said No. I've said No and had it ignored or treated like I was joking.

I have sat silent when someone said "Well, they shouldn't be dressing like that and not expect it."

I hated myself afterwards, and did indeed say something.

But I can never think the same way about that person.

Blatant quoting now, all from Fugitivus:

"Because we live in a rape culture, when a woman consents to heterosexual sex, she has to make considerations that her male partner does not. That is, one of the possible outcomes for women during sex is rape. That is not a possible outcome for men (for the most part — it does happen). So when women consent to sex, part of their consent, however unconsciously, may be based in the possibility of being raped if she does not consent.

Further back, before sex, a woman must make considerations with every interaction with men. Should I get drunk? Should I get drunk here? Should I be wearing this skirt? If I am in this location at this time, will that mean somebody thinks they can attack me? If I talk about my sex life, will that cause this man to push me? If I indicate I enjoy sex, will somebody coerce me? If I indicate I don’t enjoy sex, will somebody coerce me?"

"I remember once describing to some male friends of mine every single interaction I’d had with street harassers on my way to their house. They were shocked, and more shocked to hear I just ignored it. “I would say something!” they said. “Nobody gets to talk to me that way!” I had to explain, to say something starts a conversation, and now you are not just being hooted at, some man is going to keep following you and keep talking to you. These are considerations I have to make every time I leave the house. Men do not have to make those considerations. Many don’t even know they exist, because they have never had complete strangers approach them and demand that they smile, and call them an ugly bitch when they don’t.

Because of this, I can’t fully and freely consent to interaction when I’m on the street. If a man starts to talk to me and he seems perfectly nice, I may ignore him because I fully suspect if I continue interacting with him, he will begin to harass me or attempt to touch me. Or, on the other hand, if an extremely aggressive and hostile man talks to me on the street, I may continue speaking with him in an attempt to pacify him, knowing that if I ignore him and walk away he may become violent. I’m not making choices based on who I do and don’t want to talk to at that point; I’m making choices based on my physical safety."

"But on the lower end of the continuum, you have women making similar considerations every time they make their sexuality apparent. A woman who wants to go out and drink and have fun may think twice about a skirt she wants to wear, because perhaps it will “send the wrong signal” (i.e. make somebody decide to rape her). A woman who really likes a man and would like to sleep with him may put off making that decision until she is in a situation with him that minimizes the possibility of rape, say, officially dating, sober, and within earshot of others.

I want to note here real quick that I’m not saying any of those things will stop rape. Most dates are acquaintance rapes, and rapes happen while sober and in earshot of others. But because we live in a culture that tells women — the victims — what to do to stop rape instead of telling men — the perpetrators — we also have this cultural narrative that if a woman does the right dance, with all the right steps, the right clothes, and the right look on her face the whole time, she will not be raped.

This is going on awfully long, and I’m trying to find a way to condense my thoughts. Let’s try this:

If you accept that we live in a patriarchy,

and if you accept that a patriarchy means the mass of men have more power and access to resources than the mass of women,

then you must accept that to gain access to that power and those resources, the mass of women must align themselves with the mass of men’s desires.

In any world where the majority of power and resources is focused within one group specifically, other groups only have the ability to access that power and those resources by, basically, doing whatever the powerful group says. Making the “choice” to defy the desires of the powerful group is not just a choice to refuse to be patronized, mocked, humiliated, or attacked; it’s actually a choice to lose access to power and resources.

That’s the crux of it. The mass of women have less access to power and resources than the mass of men. And (the important part here) consent cannot be freely given between unequals. The less equal party will always be making considerations about their safety, their needs, and their survival that the more equal party does not.

Now, that’s the basic idea, but how this plays out between individual people just makes it all so much more complicated. There are some situations that are somewhat more clear-cut. A woman in an abusive marriage who is unemployed and cut-off from friends and families has a very clear power and resources imbalance. Her “choice” to have sex with her husband isn’t about sex, but is about food, shelter, and the safety of her children. A woman who goes home with a guy from a bar intending to have sex, then decides she’s really not into it, may make a “choice” to have sex anyway, which isn’t about sex, but is about making sure the situation doesn’t escalate into something dangerous. A young girl who makes a “choice” to have sex with her high school boyfriend may not be about sex, but about making sure she is not perceived as a lesbian, as ugly, as undesirable, or as unpopular.

I’m not saying that men don’t make these “choices” as well, pursuing sex that isn’t about sex but is about acquiring something else entirely. But generally, for men, the consequences of choosing not to have sex does not include rape. Which is why choosing to have sex, for men, is a much freer choice than it is for women."

"Women, especially, are directed to approach conversations calmly, nicely, not getting angry, not displaying anger, and not being pushy (assertive). When they step out of those bounds, they get shit for it, as if they are the ones who caused the problem rather than being the ones who reacted to it. So while you may have been speaking about the ways you would like to see *all* people behave, you have to understand that women are far more often asked to hide their anger, and told that not hiding their anger automatically loses them an argument. A woman may display the same amount of anger as a man, but the woman is more likely to be told she’s being hysterical and overemotional and needs to calm down, while the man will be called assertive. This is an experience of many women, and so telling a woman to be less angry when you have done something to anger her is likely to piss her off more."


Wow... that is indeed a lot of text.

But what she says?

I LIVE that life.

Most of the girlwomen I know live that life, even if we don't talk about it, or we joke about it.

Maybe I am one of the few my age that I know who thinks about these things, or maybe we just don't know how to talk about it.

I am attuned, constantly, to comments/looks/actions that 'turn me off' in any way.

As far as I know I have never been sexually abused, and yet I am sensitive to the currents, undercurrents, tidal waves and the like of the constantly shifting webs we all fit into. I was bullied, for a very long time. How does one even define abuse?

I'm not even sure any of this post makes sense anymore... And I'm sure I will add to it, expand upon it, think about it.

And I hope...

That any guys who read this might try to think what it would be like to have a constant voice in your head that is trying to minimize the likelihood of your assault or rape. And then imagine curbing your SELF to keep that happening.

That any women I know that have been abused, or raped, will know that I am here, and that I will always love them. And if they want to share their stories, or talk about any of this, or have an honest discussion.

I am here. And I am listening.