Paperweight

Maybe the point of making decisions is that later you look back and something you lived/witnessed/loved makes you change.

Tried to go to bed last night, ended up texting Ma2 for a few hrs, and Si.

Was woken out of a sound sleep around 3:40 by a car hitting something (I think a trashcan) about 15 ft behind my head. Talk about your adrenaline rushes...

I hurt a lot right now. Mostly physically.

Was so tired/lonely last night that I actually texted Si asking why no one loved me.

Her response:
What do you mean? People love you.
~Guys don't. Girls do, platonic guy friends do, guys don't.
A guy will. You just have to give them a chance to.
~Mmm I know. I'm just emotional cause of period and pain and I'm fucking lonely. I'm tired of being alone at night.
Honey you'll find someone. Being lonely is part of being human. Everyone gets that way no matter how many people are around. You have a good friends and a great weird family that all love and support you.
~I know, and I know I am blessed with my crazy family and friends that love me... I just hate going to bed and feeling that there should be someone next to me to talk to and share with and sleep next to.
And you'll have that. Just have to be patient.

Now, all together kids, what's the virtue I lack the most?

Patience.

(Ok, maybe not the one I lack the most. But I am REALLY not good at it.)

Interesting book I'm reading right now about the 'hook-up culture' that most young women live in... I don't. I know, for all that I would love to experience physical satiation with another person, that a hook-up type relationship would not be good for me.

So, yep. Fell asleep, woke up around 8 this morning. I have some nifty bug bites, yes I do.

Got up, ended up not going to church because my gpa had a really bad night last night, what with a cough that wouldn't stop and all.

Went to my uncles house and all 4 of his daughters were there, including his two grandkids (J, age 3 and Ph, age 4months).

And it is days like these that make me rethink my stance on no children.

One, I have my 4th or 5th offer of a nannying job should I want one.

Two, I loved spending time with J. Ph is still in the adorable but not thinking stage, but J is bright and intelligent and fun to be around. We played in her house (tall enough for an adult to stand in, but definitely kidsized), and ran around outside, did puzzles and memory games, and even played with Polly Pockets.

But I still think that children that one doesn't get to hand back to their mother when they cry/poop/barf are more than I want.

I am not like Si, I really do love children. And I think I could be a great mother.

And while some have said that my stance on the rights of women over their bodies -even when pregnant- makes me someone who should not GET pregnant...

I just do not know anymore.

I will still donate my eggs though, even if it raises the possibility of sterility. Other people want children, can afford to have children and feel unfulfilled without them. I have the genetics and the ability to pass on my genes without endangering myself or any children, and as time allows, I will do so.

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Got home, ate dinner. Really wish my body didn't hate me at every possible turn.

We head to NY on Tues, and I am not allowed to bring my laptop so will be off of internet and only on cell for 3 days.

Its humid and somewhat warm here, even though the rain was a bit of a refresh... weirdly I'm loving the humidity.

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Eyes are too intimate.

That's why I have no pictures with eyes in my room, or they are so far away that I cannot see the eyes. Its why I turn pics to the wall if I have them and don't want to be seen.

It's why keeping eye contact is so fucking hard for me.

Part of it is definitely a dominance thing, because forced eye contact (if you are the forcer) is a sign of pure dominance. And really, I don't want to have to figure out my dominance level in such a way. I'm sneakier than that :P

I can keep eye contact with women easily. Guys? Nope. One cannot see the others soul in their eyes. But god can you see a lot.

There is a position in the Kama Sudra that I think would be fucking amazing and scary all at once. It involves sitting naked facing your partner (on their lap, though without penetration of any kind) and looking into the others eyes.

And then you have sex, in that position.

Talk about your levels of intimacy...

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FUCK MY BRAIN. It hurts me.

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Oh, ps. With some judicious editing, I could take the last three twilight movies and EASILY make them into a porn.

Or we could just have a group dubbing party. Cause I think our version would be so FUCKING MUCH better.

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"Paperweight" by Joshua Radin w. Schuyler Fisk

Been up all night,
Staring at you
Wondering what's on your mind
I've been this way with so many before
But this feels like the first time...
You want the sunrise to go back to bed
I want to make you laugh

Mess up my bed with me
Kick off the covers I'm waiting
Every word you say I think
I should write down
Don't want to forget come daylight

Happy to lay here
Just happy to be here
I'm happy to know you
Play me a song
Your newest one
Please leave your taste on my tongue
Paperweight on my back
Cover me like a blanket

Mess up my bed with me
Kick off the covers I'm waiting
Every word you say I think
I should write down
Don't want to forget come daylight
And no need to worry that's wastin' time
And no need to wonder what's been on my mind
It's you
It's you
It's you
Every word you say I think I should write down
Don't want to forget come daylight
And I give up
I let you win
You win cause I'm not counting
You made it back to sleep again
Wonder what you're dreaming
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Someday. I want that song to be TRUE for me.