Daniel

So, I’m pissed at Daniel again… but for different reasons, and I’m not even sure if it is him I am mad at, or if I’m mad at whoever fucked him up when he was younger.

So today, I poked him, and he grabbed my index finger and bent it a bit and then let go. Didn’t hurt too bad, and I was feeling feisty, so I poked him in the side again. This time, he grabbed my middle finger, and twisted it and wouldn’t let go. Admittedly, I don’t tend to make noise when I’m hurt, so unlike Ari who will squeak, I just bear it. About 30 seconds later I told him to let go, he did… and I couldn’t move my finger. I used my other hand to bend it in with the rest of my fingers and left it like that and now it seems to be ok, but… I don’t know. Maybe I am trying to prove myself to him, or to myself, but I don’t even know what to do.

When he made me cry the other night, I talked to Tyler (cried more) and then got over it, or at least had decided to move past it. It makes me furious to be judged by someone who knows nothing about me. And yes, he is physically stronger than I am, and has the reflexes to protect himself that I do not have, or have let lapse, but that he doesn’t seem to comprehend that I am not a turtle without a shell. It takes me a very VERY long while to get worked up enough about something to do something about it, and this includes physical things. I guess I’m most bothered by the fact that he has no interest in even finding out anything about me. Maybe it’s a symptom of my ridiculous amounts of curiosity, probably is. And the worst part is he probably was only saying it to be an ass.

Anyways... I went to class and am now all caught up on my homework. Have three cumulative essays to do for next week, but the stuff from when I was sick is done and turned in. Now I just need to decide my future. I don't know what class to take for next quarter, I don't know what the fuck I am going to do in terms of contracts, because my summer plans kind of hinge on what I am going to do next year...

You have no idea how much I want to just quit school and be done with this bullshit.

But sometimes the bullshit is just being alive... and sometimes I don't even want to be that.