Change

I wish my brain+heart would get together and decide to make sense to the parts of me that have to deal with everyday things.

Going to wear my corset tomorrow, not my black one, the one that I JUST got and haven't worn out at all yet. Corset and heels, don't know what else right now. I feel like I am going to try and dress very femininely this week, to see how that works. Being me though, most of my body will still be covered.

Right now though, I just need to buckle down and write these damn essays... I accidentally slept the day away. Woke up at noon, back to sleep at 4, woke at 7:30.

I didn't want to leave my dreams this afternoon, though at the same time I wanted to run screaming. How could one thing become so complicated so fast? Even my subconscious thinks I'm a nutjob, and it told me so. Being chosen 2nd in my dreams though, man, that hurts.

Researched E today, mostly because I am curious. I want to know what happens when I take mind-altering substances, but at the same time I do not want to have to deal with the issues of purity, possible addiction, side/after effects... any of it. So I will not take them until I am old-older, just in case. I know I have an addictive personality for things that feel good (hello again orgasm addiction), and E supposedly feels really good.

I want people to know what I am writing, but at the same time I kind of wish no one read these. Some I want to direct specific people to, and some I wish I could make visible to all BUT a specific person. Can't though.

So, still, 9 essays, 1 final essay and 2 self evals to do. I have tonight, tomorrow, wednesday and wednesday night to do them. Fuuuuuck.