Brainspace.

God damn it.

Too much time within my own head, and I know what I will try to express here will not make much sense, maybe it won't even make sense to me.

My soul is aching right now, and not for any highbrow reason, though if I think about the other things that make my heart hurt, it will just get worse.

One,

Two,

Three.


One, I feel like all I get is stupider the longer I am in school. At the same time, I never want to stop learning, I just know that these last two quarters have essentially been a waste. Yes, I learned a TON about economics that I didn't know, ditto history. I learned about myself.

I did not learn about anything I actually am intersted enough in to want to 'do' for the rest of my life. Nothing really about anthro, nothing about sexology, nothing about treehouses or architecture.

I get more and more stupid the longer I am in school. And spending time with people who are all amazing and gifted in specific areas? Yeah, that fucking sucks.

H: Art.
T: Art.
A: Writing.
A: Writing and Art.
Z: Languages and bucking the system.
E: Math.
D: Math.
S: Math and making money.
K: Dance.

Getting in to what they can all do physically that I can't? Thats not even someting I want to start.

Two,

I am alone.

God damn it. Just writing that made me sad enough to tear up, because it is probably the most true thing I can write right now.

I am alone.

I want to be not alone, but at this point the feasibility of that desire is nonexistant.

Three,

I am tired, of a lot of things. I'm burned out on school, I don't want to work for my dad this summer, I have to figure out my response to this situation... Partly, I am tired of the drama that I STILL put up with.

And I need to unpack some baggage of mine, and just tell it to fuck off.