Love

Well I've completely fucked my sleep schedule now! Slept till 12ish, woke up... dreams man. Had a really random part and then a really nice one that I have no idea what to think about. Well, I know what I wish I could think about, but am not allowing myself too.

So many times in the last few days I have been laughing, which is spectacular. This quarter has been a hard one, and to be PHYSICALLY sore from laughter is a great (if somewhat painful) thing.

Anywho, went to the guys place 'just for a bit' and ended up staying there for 12 hours or something ridiculous like that. Ari made a turkey AND cake, and succeeded in completely filling up the guys - a hard hard task at that. I listened to some truly soul-healing music, which I am going to need to get before the end of the year.

Zach went with me to go to the old apt, where Em's pile of trash around my door had gotten worse, and she had dumped the mini-refrigerator upside down on top of it all. I tried to pick it up, and it opened, spilling various foods that were on their way to being truly rotten. Zach, very nicely, picked them up and put them in a plastic bag while I got my lamp and speakers. Forgot my heels, but I will fix that tomorrow... today.

As we were walking out, Em started bitching about how Ari had put her vacuum into her own room, as Em 'would have been cleaning this whole time' if she had it. As I ignored her and walked out, she said something along the lines of "Tell Ari that if she laid off the snacks, someone other than a fictional character could love her. And you too."

If I actually cared, in any way, what she thought about me... that would have hurt in some ways. But I really and truly do not give a flying fuck what she thinks about me, and therefore it lacked the weight it could have had, no pun intended.

As it is, Zach said something about how statistically untrue that was and I kept walking.

At this point in my life, after all the bullying, the comments, the looks people give you... a comment from a mentally disturbed girl is not going to affect me much. Plus, I truly like how I look a solid portion of the time, and that is something I am sincerely happy about.

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It's weird to me that guys don't talk the way girls do. Not in the differing syntax way, though there is truly a difference, but in the... Ari and I rehash our days together most of the time. As far as I have observed, when the guys go to bed, they go to bed alone, and don't talk again until the next morning.

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Sex has been on my mind a lot recently, even before we talked in the car about the difference between sex with someone you care about and just sex for fun with someone. I have known for quite a few years that I am unable to have sex with 'just someone', though the offers I have received are varied and interesting.

I also know that I am going to have a lot of fun in bed... when I get there. Sex isn't just about orgasms, or physical release. It should be about fun and laughter as well as connection with another person in a way that cannot be more intimate. I do not mean to imply that sex for fun is bad in any way, because a quickie would be fantastic right about now, I just need a connection with that person that goes beyond the 'you make my insides all happy'.

"When that person is what gets you up in the morning, and they make you happy... thats great. When you can get through the bad times and the hard times with them, and still want to be with them? Then you know you are in love."
-paraphrased from Zach

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So now it is 3:30 in the morning, and while I really wish there was someone else in my bed with me, I will continue on as I have until I can find the person who can get through the bad times with me.

9 essays, 1 final essay to finish, 2 self evals, and one week.
Does this count as a bad time?