New Year, Same Thoughts

Why am I alone? And why do I think it is acceptable to even WRITE that... fuck. This is supposed to be a NEW year, not the same (though they could just be the same repeated... Yet another reason I cannot have a big clock in my room. I spend far too much time watching time move on... thought what if it only moved because we told it to? What would happen if we told it to stop?)

Missed my mom hardcore on New Years, though that was MUCHO fun. Turns out I love sleeping on boats, though admittedly it was still in the docks. Being rocked... lovely. So sailing is definitely on the agenda.

In reflecting on the last year... wow. So much has happened and changed and yet so LITTLE has done anything. I don't even know if I can write this entry. My mind is being pulled in so many directions and GAH. Fuck. Fuuuuuck. FUCK.

Met/talked to for reals for the first time today a guy with nipple piercings. Was pretty cool to compare stories/made me want to bite him. ARIEL!!! WHY!!! I had these thoughts before but I would never have verbalized them. You are having a most interesting effect on my mind.

For whatever reason, this past years Spring Break keeps coming up in my mind... I think because even with the exhaustion, the somewhat disappointment of the hot springs, the COMPLETELY visible rock we sunbathed on... It was so fantastic. So nice to be out in the world, not thinking about what I had to do next to make someone happy, to complete my part in the rat race.

I keep having a very dualistic thought process going in my mind... one is telling me to just throw all my stuff away and start running, one is telling me I need to complete at LEAST this level of schooling and then I can GO. But I have done the "well, I will do that and then..." SO FUCKING MANY TIMES. And I can't even look back because when I do that I start thinking "well, I wouldnt be here if I hadn't done that"

WHY did I take a consciousness class? I spend far too much time in my head as it is. I really want to go run. I'm not good at it, but I just want to GO.

Thats one of my resolutions for this year... get healthier. Not lose weight, because that's a dumb goal, but becoming more healthy is something I have been wanting to do for years. Maybe I will be able to do more of it now that I'm at college, and have people to bully me into it. (Ariel and Alex: I might bitch now, but DON'T let me talk you/me out of it. Once I'm in, I promise I will thank you.)

There are so many things I want to do this year... and so many things I MUST do.

Gotta write and submit my contracts, which will essentially mean that I will be traveling 6-9 months of next school year.
Want to do more crafty things
NEED to get a job!!!
Need to save money for the travelling
Get healthy. Really.

There are more, we wrote them down on the whiteboard and took pictures. Maybe I will post mine.

One, semi-secret (though not really considering I am posting it here)
Open myself to finding someone. For reals.

Soundtrack:
Samson by Regina Spektor
It's Beginning to Get to Me by Snow Patrol
I Wish You Were Here by Incubus