Nao.

First day of real class... and it was 2+ hours of lecture that I nearly slept in a FEW times. And then I determined that, in between taking notes, I could write backwards in a passable font. And then I began to write with my left hand. So... if the lectures continue like this (though Lillian assures me they are usually much better) I will be ambidextrous by the end of the quarter.

And now I am sitting in my bed wondering what the hell Em is up to in the bathtub at this hour of the night, (Oh yes, Em is back!), and not writing the essays for tomorrow. I FINALLY made it through the first ten chapters of "Wartime" and I'm still not sure why it was so hard to read. Maybe it's because I'm so tired, maybe because I just find war to be senseless... I don't know. So I have that essay to write, as well as one on Susan Jacoby. And THEN I can sleep. I am tempted to go to sleep now and write the essays in the morning, as it would guarantee me 8 hours of sleep, but I know myself much too well for that. So here I sit/lay, trying to write an essay with no parameters.

AND THEN I REMEMBER... The ruminations. LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA.

Fuck. Completely different topic but... why do I want to have someone to like? Its easy enough to be in love with fictional characters from books, so why do I feel a need to find someone in real life? Well. There are very basic answers to this question, such as human contact and... just not feeling alone in this STUPID STUPID WORLD. All I really want is someone, male or female, who wants ME. And not the me that I get stuck portraying to others, or the shy me... the all me. All of what I have been, all that I am, all that I could be. I realize the fruitlessness of this, but I still want it. Watching my friends pair up over the years has taught me many things, one of them being that it is much easier to be alone... but the difference between alone and lonely is severe. And I have become lonely, craving human contact, but hiding that craving because it is so fucking hard for me to open up to anyone. And now there are a few perfectly nice guys in my life in various ways and places, but none of them quite *clicks* into place, or at least as much as I know of them now. And I will not settle for less, because I have seen what that does to people and it is a fate I never wish to have.

Goodbye.