Hermitage

So very much has happened, and I have not been writing about it at all... now, how to catch up.

How can things be so amazing and so painful all at the same time?

I went to the AMAZING Treehouse Workshop.
I have a sponsor, FINALLY, for my contract.
I have a house.

My sister COMPLETELY fucked up my happiness/nirvana/amazing moodfeeling that I had after the workshop... like within a few hours of me getting home. And she fucked it SO MUCH that I cannot even remember why I was so happy. There is a little ghost taunting me, but the feeling? Gone.

My house has mice. And possibly fleas.

A very nice guy came over and hung out with me and the people and we all watched a movie.

And he is sweet, and attractive, and intelligent.

And I don't want him.

Oh, I want him... but how much of that wanting is just for the concept of a relationship, how much is wanting NOT to be alone, how much of that is... not actually HIM.

I don't want to kiss him. I want to be his friend.

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Today was great. Tonight got shitty really fast.

Woke up at 9 to a pissy phone call from my dad, watched random tv and then Eric came 'over' (across the house) and we talked about randomness, and penises, and the clusterfuck that is our group. Ari came over and then the three of us went to the cider mill and milled about, had food and fed aminals and got facepaint.

And then we headed back, and got pumpkin pie, and then they left to go climbing and Ari and I had a (mostly) naked dance party in the rain and the wind and the dark.

Then everyone got back and we had pie... And some left. Then the breakdown fairy visited at least two of us soon after, and but for the lack of gas money I would have just... gone.

Sometimes its great being here, and having friends and knowing people.

And other times it just pisses me the fuck off. Or hurts. Or BOTH.

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The Treehouse Workshop was... SO amazing. Fantabulous. Mind expanding.
I climbed 50 feet up into a tree, and then the next day climbed up to 85 feet in a different tree.
I felt... amazing. Free.

I didn't think about anyone but ME. And my new friends, and the occasional "Wow, soandso would love this."

I laughed a lot, and my brain kept being filled, I slept in a treehouse 3 nights and a treenet for one of them.

I met people who ARE parts of what I want to be when I 'grow up'. People who are genuine, and care, and aren't stunted and afraid to show it. People that I want to be friends with, and that want to be friends with me.

I had alcohol, got kicked out of a tavern, ate amazing food, built things, used power tools, was sore and tired, felt my brain stretch with the information it was recieving...

And for ONCE.

ONCE.

Felt the skin and will that keep me together... relax.

And then I came back here.

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The phantom feeling, the thoughts, the ideas that I cannot have - not have and keep my sanity- they have been in full force this evening.

Morning now.